On Parenthood, Grace, and Bettering

April has been such a full month for us.  Maybe at some point when I get a chance, I will post about some of the random goings-on, but today was such a special day---Caeley made her First Reconciliation.  I knew that she was going to be nervous, so I've debated for months about whether or not I should also receive the sacrament with her as a show of solidarity.  (I must confess, confessing is not one of my favorite things to do.  It has not been a lifelong habit instilled in me from the time I made my own First Confession.  It's something I have slowly and somewhat reluctantly gotten back into only in recent years....and only a handful of times at that!  I am getting much better, thanks to the example and encouragement of some awesome, faithful friends! BS, that's for you all.)

But swallowing any of my own misgivings, I decided we would go together and make a special "mommy-daughter afternoon" out of it.  We arrived early to find the door to the church locked, but stood outside with a very nice sister (nun) who entertained us with stories of her own childhood and how her mother raised her to be so faithful.  (Yes, I was taking mental notes on that conversation!)  Once we were inside, we spent a minute or two in the pew just praying.  We got in line, and Caeley seemed so nervous, but she did it!  She was in and out in a flash, and it was my turn.  (Not so speedy for me, but I blame the fact that I'm not 8 and have a little more to say!)

Afterwards we drove down to our favorite grocery store, talking the whole way in the car about how she was feeling, how wonderful and forgiving God is, and how confession is such a good thing.  How it isn't just about being forgiven of our sins, but also about giving us the grace we need to be better people.  We also talked about the joys and struggles she has been feeling lately.  It was our first true "heart to heart" conversation...one that will be recorded on my heart forever.  (It will also be memorable because our entire trip was taken in a horrible rain storm, complete with flooding, cars in ditches on the side of the road, and our own driveway almost impassable!)

On the car ride home, I couldn't help but but feel so truly blessed.  Seeing my oldest daughter waiting for me in the pew, and then having her praying next to me as we did our penance together, was like nothing I've felt as a mother yet.  This was the little girl I birthed into being 8 years ago.  I remember the moment she made me a mother, the moment I lifted her purple, wiggling body from the water and put her to my chest.  I remember thinking to myself on that day, so clearly, that there must be a God, because how else was her existence possible?  And today, there she was, on her knees next to me.  There she was, making me want to be better for God, but also for her.  Making me want to stand by her and be strong for her in that moment, and in all the tough, scary moments to come.  Making me want to walk toward Christ with her.  It made me realize how ironic parenting is---that it isn't always about me raising these girls and helping them to find their vocations and their way to Heaven.  It is also so much about them bringing me there too.